Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
