If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
