Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
