My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
