I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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