oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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