this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
