I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
