I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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