you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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