What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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