Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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