this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
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