Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
