So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
