I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
