If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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