new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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