Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
