I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
