why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
