NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
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