She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
