i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
