I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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