So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
