my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
