just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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