i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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