I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize