i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
