upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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