another moral hangover. fuck.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
