I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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