I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
