please come you make the beer taste better
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize