If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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