Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
