I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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