after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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