I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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