im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
