it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
