we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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