I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
