I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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