i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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