luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
