Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
