Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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