"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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