I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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