...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
