You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
