eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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