I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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