Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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